Survivor… as Fuck/Dom

Today… I let my tits hang out…and I took pics..


It was a 70 degree day, the warmest day that Metro Detroit has had in a long time. I spent longer than normal.. looking at shirts… hating my chest in every summer shirt that I own. I was down to about my fourth outfit that I just said FUCK IT…. FUCKITFUCKTHISFUCKITALL….

Today… May 13, 2017, the day before Mother’s Day 20 fucking 17… I said FUCK hiding…

Okay… let me take it back a little… so anyone reading this can truly understand the FUCK that I do NOT give anymore…

If you read my first post… you saw my battered boobs… I was trying to be all tough and BOLD… that’s what I wanted to be on my blog. I wanted to be this FACE and IMAGE for you guys… but in real life… I never showed these things.. I don’t embrace cleavage. Sometimes, I don’t let my man see my chest, I will get dressed in the closet. We will have sex and I will keep a shirt on, although we have been having sex for 2 years… and some days…. (I was really hesitant with this next one!) but.. yea  some days I was so low… there where whole fucking days I didn’t even look at my body in the mirror…

Picture that… Picture yourself not looking at your own naked ass body for a whole damn 24 hours… because the sight of what was done to you makes you tear up…(I don’t know I that is weird for anyone else… but that is weird for me!)

Anyways, as I prepared sadly for this beautiful day, and I dreaded looking for a shirt. There was nothing good. Everything just looked fucking stupid… so I thought.

I pulled this shirt out… and it was cute, covered my whole chest… but it was boring… and I knew it was boring…  it was safe but I didn’t want to be safe today. So I took it off… and I threw it at the wall and it landed on top the pile of at least 7 shirts that I had done the same thing with. This shirt kept speaking to me though. It was sitting on top of those shirts looking cute as fuck… so I picked it back up… and I put it back on… backwards. Then this happened….

I looked at myself in the mirror and for a brief second I thought that I might me sexy… I might be hot… if my boobs didn’t have these scars. I might be perfect if radiation didn’t fry the left side of my chest, making it all shriveled and black as fuck… I MIGHT…. The list went on. As soon as the thoughts circled my head… I knew that today I had to change my thinking…

So I did… and I wore that sexy ass shirt backwards. I accepted all the stares from people who looked at me and didn’t ask me anything… I was LOUD about my mastectomy today bitches because I HAD to be. I have to stop assuming that what happened to me makes me less sexy, and that I am inferior because of something I had no control over. Fuck society and their view of perfection because SOCIETY CANT EVEN HANDLE ME… SO FUCK IT AND ITS TWISTED ASS STATUS QUO…

I am TIRED of feeling like shit… life after cancer treatment is a SON OF A FUCKING BITCH… yea I said it… as if I haven’t been transparent enough… let me take it a step further… I have a message for ANY person that looks at these pretty ass photo shopped fake bitches online and picks themselves apart… STOP. Love yourself. Don’t shame yourself into a deep dark insecure hole. You are not alone… LISTEN….

Somedays I take 100 pictures… because 99 of them I looked abnormal. Some times I make every body movement and facial expression in the mirror because I don’t want to look ugly in the real world…you look through my pics and see that I am together.. and my makeup is perfect.. but i don’t post about the days that I don’t take a pic of me because on those days I couldn’t get my esteem off the floor. Sometimes I fight with my man because I feel that he deserves a woman that looks normal…and I cant believe he’s with me… Sometimes…. I am so fucked up…

Today… I said fuck all that.
Today I said I am just as great if not more great than any woman I cross paths with..Today… I embraced my scars and embraced the stares of those who don’t understand…

I told every person who complemented my appearance something I did to get

if someone said something about my hair…I told them I got it after chemo

Today I was “Survivor As Fuck”…

And I am going to do everything in my power to embrace every scar.. out fucking loud…. Every DAMN day…. and its not to be sexy for anyone… its because I have to be okay with being unapologetic-ally me… and I cannot do that subtly…

14 thoughts on “Survivor… as Fuck/Dom

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