Fuck being quiet…

Funny you weren’t so tough back then… you were sweating and stressing… and buying me pretty stuff back then… acting less like a dad… and more like my controlling man….Oh, and mom? Thank you for knowing and doing NOTHING because then I grew up, moved out and blindly got raped again… fuck
Men, sex, and trauma has never been my friend… those words just float around my mental and shackle me time and time again… 
I am over here in my closet dealing with skeletons from my childhood days… sometimes I get stuck and revert back to my childish ways…. Like how I sometimes I cry at night wishing me or my life was worth someone coming to save…

I can’t save me… i’m no hero right? You are right? because apparently it was you who saved me… according to mommy I should just focus on all that you gave me… you cared for me… was there for me..went to my sport events… but why can I no longer ignore the fact that you raped me…

Making mama breakfast in bed to cover up that you raped me… I went through her phone one time hoping she believed me when I said that you raped me…. only to just to see she was happy you was giving her head… not understanding you were doing extra to cover up that you raped me… brainwashing the other kids got them saying i’m crazy because you raped me… got them so stuck they can’t acknowledge my downfall that only happened because you raped me…..

Yea I went there…

Clearly I don’t appreciate the fact that you also “raised me”… even if when it came to me wanting other men… you used to degrade me… sorry I can’t be quiet… 
I am a woman now… I see that you played me…. 

And though at times, I don’t know if the sky is blue… because I can’t pick my head off the floor
But fuck it… As a whole I’m better now… I am renewed… and you get no credit… It was me made me…

It is me who saves me… 

No one else will play me

My past can no longer break me…

I had to accept it because I was pathetic.. 

and I don’t want to just be for the taking… 
I never was for the taking… I didn’t want it… dont you lie and say I did… you fucking raped me… don’t you dare shame me… 

I can’t be quiet… my soul still needs to scream…

14 years of repression… can you blame me?

18 thoughts on “Fuck being quiet…

  1. You know what I love about this? That you are so brave to let it out and say it. These things touch so many lives, but many do not find a voice until many years, decades later, like my sister. There is freedom and healing in no longer keeping it concealed. I’m listening.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you thank you thank you. I wish I could express how hard this was to put in black and white. I kept it put away. Read it every time i looked at the book I wrote it in 💔

      Liked by 1 person

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