I was twelve years old when my mother said to me, “Your dad once made me abort a baby. If I’d kept him, I wouldn’t have you, now.”

So I wonder what Dad feels for me–me being a girl. Did he teach me about cars to relieve his guilt for destroying his boy? Or did my mom make the whole thing up? Dad’s always said my mother was crazy.

I can build a car from scratch, like my dad can do.

If I’d been born a boy, my mother would have named me Jason.



16 thoughts on “Jason

  1. I feel like I’m sitting with you in a dark room looking into my coffee cup that has swirling layers. And neither of us speaks, we just drink the coffee. And then I hug you.
    (Oh and then I tell you how freaking amazing I think you are for being able to build a car.)

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Oh Kindra– I feel this in my bones. When I was 12 my mother sat me down to tell me that my dad (long out of my life) was a mentally ill drug abuser who I should pity and that she had to chose between him or me when I was a toddler (apparently used my milk money for drugs). I have spent the rest of my life feeling deep inside that she always regretted choosing me. It is tough to carry that information and that casual dismissal of out personhood.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh, my gosh. Though I am so very sorry to learn this about you, it gives me rush of red love, because I’m not alone. Thank you for sharing this piece of you. I feel so much closer to you now. I don’t know how I will ever get over some of things my mother has said to me growing me up…I do wish though that I was the only one. I know it helps to know you’re not alone in most circumstances…but I am sorry you feel anything remotely similar to what I feel. All I have is that I am here for you with heart full of love. ❀

      Liked by 1 person

      • They embed deeply, don’t they? I really had to separate in mind the woman who raised me from the the woman I was trying to have a relationship with an an adult. I ended up helping to take care of my mother when she was dying which I was deeply ambivalent about. I think for my mother she had felt judged for years by her mother and sisters for her choices and was trying to ease her burden and have an ally in defending my father to the rest of her family. Although I have some empathy for her, it doesn’t excuse the legacy that left me with. Love you my sister– so sorry to hear that you wrestle similar demaons

        Liked by 1 person

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