Thanks, Mom

I count calories now, which is okay unless I’m having a night when my emotions are running fucking unruly–when I’m brimming with piss and vinegar. This is one of my alcoholic nights–when I can’t type straight–when I go over my caloric intake because I’m getting fat. But I’m not an alcoholic anymore. I know what an alcoholic looks like–she’s petite, dark haired, and green-eyed. She is my mother, and I am not mother. I don’t drink every day. I used to, but not anymore.

Can you be an alcoholic if you only drink a few times in a month? Can you be an alcoholic if you only drink a few times in a week?

Yes. If you’re drinking to get drunk, to ease pain.

I know better, but I ignore it. And I find myself hiding from my hubby.

Lately, I want to be drunk, all the time. Because I’m in a creative mood hating on my mother, the true alcoholic.

And I hate her for fucking up my life. I hate her for inspiring me.

I’m an alcoholic. I drink almost every day.

I see that now.

 

 

 

23 thoughts on “Thanks, Mom

  1. Oh Kindra. The damned Atlantic. Here we call it alcohol dependent. It’s a relatively new term and puts the onus on alcohol as the drug, the person, not so much. It’s a chemical imbalance. My father in law died from the effects of his alcohol dependency, Ian had a major issue and you know about my boy. Of the 3, Scott is the more clued up on it. He was drinking everyday by the time he was 14 and now, at 21 he doesn’t drink at all. Because of him, I’ve begun following a number of bloggers in recovery, living a life of sobriety…or not. They are inspiring and they’ve educated me even more than I already was. You are one of the strongest people I know and you are not your mom. Please take a look at what other people are writing on the subject.

    I’ve gotten fat again lately. Grief, financial worries, loveless marriage…it’s a wonder I didn’t start putting on weight til recently. I don’t count calories though. It bores me. I already know that all I have to do is to eat no sugar, no fat and to cut down on drinking. I have none of that shit in the house. It’s when I go out that it becomes tempting. I DON’T want to become a recluse though, and I’d hate for you to do that. Please don’t do that. And my most important advice – TELL JIM! Tell him, Kindra. Love you. X

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I know when I hide my behavior from my husband its because I don’t want to say the words out loud because then I will hear them. There are many ways to hurt ourselves, there are many ways we try to self-medicate that might have worked once (or at least in my childlike magical thinking it seemed to) but no longer serve us. Why is it still so hard to say, “I need your help”? I don’t know but some very wise people have pointed out to me lately that thinking that the load is mine to bear alone is neither helpful to me and depriving my loved ones the opportunity to be needed once in a while. Sometimes we are so busy trying to be wonder woman that all we ever allow them in to do is to hold the cape. You are loved for exactly who you are. <3<3

    Liked by 4 people

  3. My son once dated a girl who battled with the demons of anorexia and self harm. She ended up living with us for a while, and in all our talking she gradually realised that all the manifestations of her addiction were based in the same fear: I’m not good enough as I am.
    There’s a brilliant book by Cheri Huber called – There’s Nothing Wrong With You.

    We can burn off our own skin looking at all they ways we fail, or we can fire up the flamethrower and love ourselves so fucking wildly that all of hell will run away screaming like a girl.
    Email me, babe, if you ever need to. or even if you don’t. Come to England for a holiday. I’ll turn you into a vegan. Live long and prosper.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I get it… it’s so hard to constantly have to deal with difficult feelings/memories/illness… all of it. Sometimes we just want to take what our minds trick us into believing is the easy way. But as you know, it’s not any easier, it actually just makes it more difficult. I hear you and I understand. Sending you my love and strength. You got this ❀

    Liked by 1 person

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