Another Scrapped Suicide Note/Nathan McCool

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Jesus isn’t waiting for me anywhere. I nailed him

to a tree. A long time ago. And hell fires are extinct to me now. I can no more believe 

in them than I can the idea that mercy was

coming for me and just lost its way. 

I write this in a field – Gaia’s emerald hair is

what leaves this paper water damaged.

I am not crying now or even fighting tears,

for once.

If you could see me now you’d know 

that I’m smiling. Like I never have before.

I do not know if we really take anything with us 

when we leave this world. If we do,

you can know that I take with me love. The memory of every good thing I’ve done. 

A life I saved.

Every person I met, every place that I shook, 

every light I turned on near dark.

And for all my ghost, somewhere with me

even now –

The only selfish hope left in me is that

might finally relinquish them 

to a smoked out sky.

If you need to know why, 

I’m just a coward. I’m just scared of my 

heart losing its last bit of goodness. And 

I’m scared of causing any more pain.

I wish the best for every one of you. That you

might remember me fondly. That you 

might smile when you think of me. And 

that you will always do what is good. What

your heart tells you is right. 

I don’t want anyone to carry blame. You were 

all brilliant and beautiful. Every last one of you

in some way. And there was nothing more

you could have done.

If you feel you’ve wronged me in some way,

I forgave you a long time ago. And I wish 

all the good in the world for you too.

 

Always try to find happiness. Live a good life.

I love you all.


Nathan McCool is a member of the Sudden Denouement Literary Collective and you can read more of his writing on Instagram at God Of Dregs.

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