Guest Blog: The Walls We Hide Inside-ShadowedMuses

The curators at Blood Into Ink are honored to share ShadowedMuses post.  Please be aware that the powerful and important video for Til It Happens to You is graphic and could be triggering.

I finally shared my most recent painful trauma where a woman hurt me sexually two years ago. Telling that particular event amongst many a shadows I have also experienced is the one that has haunted me the most. 

Not only do I have the usual taboo silence that goes along with the subject of rape or the fact I see her out in a very small gay community regularly but more so the agony I feel is the societal disbelief in response to disclosure that commonly occurs when a woman discloses the rape by another woman. 

That night, in my trusted group I did it. It took every ounce of what little trust and faith in humanity I have left to risk my heart and finally speak. 

That moment was something I will never forget. The beauty that followed in the sharing of common darkness provided a platform of light where all of us could be our authentic selves and be raw, with love. 

One man, riddled with his intellect and disengagement from many feelings started to cry and he admirably opened up and spoke about a childhood door that he had locked away where he had been caged in silence for 40 years. 

For such injustice and dark pain to be birthed from a cocoon into beautiful comradely I will forever be grateful to have witnessed. Everyone in that circle not only supported me in my healing but shared their own experiences that have laid dormant for far too long. 

(Age 8  – male rape; Age 15 – male sexual assault; Age 26 – male rape; Age 40 – female rape).

This piece isn’t me getting out a small violin or looking for validation or to continue to play a victim role. It was simply so I could write down something that was so sacred and beautiful to me. That in pain there can also be light. If I touch someone who happens to read this then I am grateful and honoured; and if I am the only one that has read this I am also grateful because it means I am cleaning poisoned wounds that are long overdue.

The song I post alongside this piece is dedicated to all the survivors that are silenced by the taboo of speaking about their trauma and feel alone, as I did, and as that brave man in my group did. May we all try to find our voice and be heard.

Read more of ShadowedMuses writing here

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